Words: Annia Baron

It was an ordinary day in the palliative care section of the nursing home and as usual, a semi-circle of silver haired ladies and gentlemen resided in the communal area watching TV. A music concert began streaming on one of the channels and like the flick of a switch, a sudden wave of commotion swept through the scene.

A grieving woman, who frequented the hospice to spend time with her mother, unexpectedly got up from her chair and felt compelled to dance. She began making vigorous movements, displaying energetic footwork and emphatic hand gesticulations to rival the most skilled flamenco bailaora. This crazed-looking lassie was chanting, crying and speaking in tongue. She was twirling around the room as though she was in the desert doing a rain dance, using the rhythm of her body as a form of prayer to the Gods. Although she knew her dying mum was only days away from soaring with the eagles, the reality of the final goodbye was overwhelming. Everything she felt, she danced.

Grief is a universal emotion felt by everyone. The kaleidoscope of grief goes beyond feelings of sadness, and includes a range of emotional, physical and spiritual representations that provide meaning to the loss of someone we had a connection with. The death of a loved one not only creates an abrupt end to the attachment we had with them but the role they played in our lives. Grief is the intense feeling of loss while grieving is the process of how we navigate that ex­perience over time. It makes sense that our response to grief may include anger, anxiety, guilt, relief, loneliness or numb­ness, as well as difficulty concentrating, sleep disturbances, lethargy, changes to appetite and physical aches and pains.

How we steer through grief varies in expression, duration, and differs across cultures. In Egypt, it is common for a person to be tearfully mourning seven years after losing someone, but in the west, intense grieving for more than twelve months is deemed a disorder. On the island of Sulawesi in Indonesia, the Toraja people treat the deceased as though they are sick, choosing to preserve the embalmed bodies in their homes for weeks, keeping them company and even bringing them food. In Madagascar, families hold “turning of the bones” every five to seven years, where they exhume the skeletons of their ancestors, wrap them in fresh cloth and celebrate in close proximity to the remains, as a way of revering their rela­tionship to those they lost.

How can we care for someone who is experiencing grief?

As empathetic beings, it’s natural to want to support the grieving person by trying to make them feel better. Howev­er, as grief can already be emotionally consuming, the griever may feel an additional layer of expectation, as though they’re now supposed to achieve a different state of being. This can lead to feelings of disconnection or alienation. In her research into grief, Associate professor of Psychology and Psychiatry at the University of Arizona, Mary-Fran­ces O’Conner* encourages us to move away from the goal of cheering some­body up, and rather, towards letting them know that we are present with them – for however long they need and in whatever form that takes.

How to recognise adaptive coping mechanisms vs. when to seek support

There is no specific way to navigate loss, but if you’re experiencing grief, it can be helpful to express your emotions, rather than trying to suppress them. Aim to con­nect to the reality of your grief and give yourself space to make sense of it. You may feel inclined to seek solace or quite over prioritising social engagements, or the other way around. Eventually, in your own time, it can be useful to reinvest your emotional energy into meaningful relationships and experiences, whilst continuing to revere your grief in a way that feels treasured for you. Although grieving is a natural, human experience, professional support is always avail­able should you feel grief has become prolonged or if it is disrupting your daily functioning.

When the ceremonial dance was over, the daughter sat beside her mother’s fragile body and a sea of salty tears streamed down her cheeks. She stroked her mum’s face and hummed songs they used to sing together. One of the older residents turned away from the TV, and said to the young woman, “Your moth­er’s lucky to have you.” “No ma’am,” she replied, “It is I who is fortunate to have had her.”

*Mills, K. (Host). (March 2022). How grieving changes the brain, with Mary-Frances O’Connor, PhD. [Episode 184]. In Speaking of Psychology. American Psychological Association.

Annia Baron is a Clinical Psychol­ogist & Mindset Coach. Want to create a life you desire and deserve? Get in touch @anniabaron or visit www.remindyourself.com