It’s another typical evening after work, sitting on the couch together recovering from an exhausting day, Jeanette on her phone, Darren watching something fluffy on the box. Jeanette suddenly blurts out, “This is really hard to say, but I think I’d like to try digital stimulation in the you know where region”.
Darren turns blankly, not sure if he has heard right, but getting the gist of it.
“Ok… the region? Digital? You mean your… and my…?” gesturing as he goes.
“Just a little,” Jeanette coyly whispers, “could be fun…”
“Ok… well I don’t think I’m up for that. Not my kind of thing”.
And there you have it. Another sexually awkward moment in the suburbs where one partner takes a risk and expresses their deepest fantasies and the other recoils in disbelief and amazement – “Gee, there is a lot I just don’t know about that goes in his/her head.”
This sexual dichotomy also illustrates how it is very normal to have individual sexual preferences, but how do couples find the sexual synergy?
The inner and outer circle technique may be answer. From the John and Julie Gottman immense body of relationship research the inner and outer circle is about finding balance and harmony in relationships. The inner circle is what you won’t compromise on – Jeanette, “I want sex to be more erotic” (inner circle), however I won’t push you to do things you are not comfortable with” (outer circle is what you will compromise on).
Darren, “I want to be intimate more than once a fortnight (inner circle), however I am willing to experiment with trying new things (outer circle). The inner and outer circle is all about finding common ground and can be applied successfully to individual differences in relationships.
Darren Radley, Relationship Counsellor & Sex Therapist
Jeanette Radley, Psychotherapist/Counsellor & Mediator
The EPICentre at 160 New Town Road, New Town.
P: 6228 5535