Driving to the supermarket, through the usual dinner time torment, Darren pipes up, “You know the other night when I placed my hand on your shoulder in bed I was feeling like you know…”

“Like sex?” Jeanette replied.

“Yes.”

“Well, I was probably exhausted, but really? That was you initiating sex? Gee, you could have been asking me what you wanted for dinner tomorrow night for all I know,” Jeanette chuckled.

“Yeah, I’m not very good at initiating this sort of thing.”

Initiating sex in a relationship after the honeymoon period has ended and libidos have settled into a rhythm can be fraught, much like guessing when to send the ‘next catch up’ text message after a fabulous first date. Risk of rejection can lead to insecurity, as can the fear of saying, “not tonight I’m tired” and a pattern of pursuit and avoidance can become entrenched. Eventually sex can feel like a daunting initiation ceremony into a highly sought after and secretive fraternity.

According to research by the Gottman Institute, cultivating a healthy sex life involves talking about a healthy sex life, called sexual communication. So, if you have a unique sexual code only known to you to initiate sex, then tell your partner! If that code is expressed, “Can we go home now, I’d like to relax” then let your partner know that is code for, “I’m interested.”

Sit down as a couple, dedicate some uninterrupted time to improve your sexual communication around the code of sexual initiation and how to manage situations where one party is not in the mood. Go into detail around what the nuances of what this code might be for both of you. Communicating your sexual codes can enhance the quality of your relationship.

Darren Radley, Relationship Counsellor & Sex Therapist

Jeanette Radley, Psychotherapist/Counsellor & Mediator

The EPICentre at 160 New Town Road, New Town.

P: 6228 5535

www.theepicentre.net.au