Am I not enough for him? Maybe I should get a labiaplasty and a boob job! Maybe then he’d think I’m attractive enough to stop watching porn!” My client sobbed desperately. She was an attractive 40-something, well groomed, intelligent professional, yet at this moment she seemed more like an insecure teenager.
Consensual couple porn viewing can often be utilised by couples to enhance sexual pleasure in their relationships. However, many couples struggle with porn in their relationships, especially when it becomes an obsessive solitary behaviour.
Research indicates that porn addiction is an unhealthy use of porn that is a very real and distressing problem often starting during teen years. Unfortunately, a choreographed and an often non-consensual view of sex and relationships is exposed to the developing pre-teen and teenage brain that can then be carried into adult relationships. Teens are curious and teaching teens about healthy relationships should include open discussions at home about pornography and the unrealistic images and relationships that are portrayed. All phones should be put away at night in an agreed and secure place so both parents and teenagers can get a good night’s sleep.
Managing, and hopefully eliminating, a porn addiction in adult relationships should include taking full responsibility of the issue and sharing with your partner how you will beat your addiction. For example, establish clear mutual boundaries and transparency around computer and phone usage. Share passwords, use and leave phones/laptops in plain sight. Do not delete history. Share with your partner what is sexually pleasurable and negotiate what you are both willing and excited to try. Deal with other relationship issues or underlying mental health issues, recognising porn may be an escape or coping strategy.
If your partner’s porn misuse is upsetting you it is important to self-care and recognise that the misuse is not about inadequacy in you. Porn sites exist that depict sex in a healthier way with realistic looking couples engaging in enjoyable sexual acts. Healthy porn use can enhance your sexual relationship by adding eroticism, fun and excitement as well as providing ideas you may like to try together.
Darren Radley, Relationship Counsellor & Sex Therapist ; Jeanette Radley, Psychotherapist / Counsellor & Mediator
The EPICentre at 160 New Town Road, New Town.
P: 6228 5535
